My mood has been swinging back and forth lately between boredom, anger and depression. It hasn't quite made it around to the good feelings yet...mostly just those three. On another note, I have been very introspective lately. I have been trying to "find myself." I hate to use that phrase because it sounds so very cliche, but I think at this point in life (early to mid twenties) a lot of Americans start to reflect a lot and do a lot of bouncing around. From thought to thought, place to place, opinion to opinion, style to style, partner to partner...lots of bouncing. All in an effort to define who they really are. I said Americans in particular because Emmanuel told me yesterday that he had yet to meet another African who had gone through this dilemma. Apparently when it comes to adulthood, Africans just hit the ground running. What a nice advantage to have in life. He said that he believes it's because America doesn't have a set culture...just a big melting pot of cultures with no real, definitive characteristics. This sounded a bit odd to me, since I have always believed that "our country is a melting pot" is a positive thing. But I guess it has its downsides too. If you really think about it, our country is somewhat lacking in unity. When it comes time to be patriotic, like during the Olympics or after 9/11, yeah you'll see American flags waving about. But from day to day, people usually keep to themselves. It's like the country is too big and complex to fully understand it. I think ethnicity plays a big part. We have immigrants from virtually every country on earth...that's a lot to incorporate into one large, all-inclusive culture. Los Angeles in itself has a plethora of ethnicities, groups and cultures within it. And Angelenos are notorious for keeping busy and keeping to themselves. Maybe we're just a snapshot of the larger American picture.
So yeah, I have been busy trying to find myself amidst all the noise and bustle in the world and in my head. I think I'm getting closer though. If I'm lucky I will have a lot of it figured out by my birthday. And if I'm REALLY lucky, one day soon I will wake up and actually be happy with who I am.

So originally I hadn't planned on entering The National Body Challenge, but I saw a commerical for it on t.v and decided to give it a go again this year. Last year I last about two weeks before I fell off the bandwagon...but this year I plan to do things different (it's the year of hope and change, afterall. :) ) I hate trying to lose weight. I really do. And every year it gets harder, what with the sugar withdrawals and having to monitor every piece of anything I put into my mouth. But I figure the end result will be worth it, if I can dance without getting tired in ten seconds. Actually if I can run more than ten feet without keeling over and panting that would be huge in itself. Also I'd be healthier and wouldn't be so at risk for diabetes and all those other nasty obesity-related diseases. So fitness here I come!
The only thing is that right now, all I want to do is eat. I ate dinner at 7.30. It's now 11.30 and about now I'd be raiding the fridge, but I"ve been resisting the urge. It's so hard though. It's so different when you actually have to pay attention to what you're eating. I'm grumpy. I want something with sugar in it. I want ice cream. I want french toast. I want cookies. I want SOMETHING. But I have to be strong. I'm going to have to find a support circle soon. Or else I know I'll fail again.
On the plus side, I went to the gym this morning. I'm proud of myself. I got a free 30 day pass from the Body Challenge website (it really is worth checking out). My delts hurt...up until today I didn't even know what delts were or that they could hurt so badly, but they do. But as they say, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and this will be the first of many work outs.
Okay, that's all for now...I guess I'd better go to bed before I lose my resolve and eat everything in the refridgerator. :(

So, I've been putting off writing because I've been depressed. And when I get depressed I tend to withdraw and refrain from expressing myself. But here I am. The day before Thanksgiving.
I don't know why but the past few holiday seasons have been rather grim for me. Well obviously I can't expect my life to come together automatically because Thanksgiving is just around the corner. If that were so then we wouldn't have soup kitchens open on the holidays and the suicide and crime rates would drop rather than rise. No, I'm not a little kid anymore. This idealistic idea of the holidays being a care-free, snow-powdered occasion filled with love, peace and joy joy joy just isn't so. When I was a kid, thanksgiving was a time when we'd all pile into the car and drive to my aunt's house, and after over indulging in the huge smorgasbord, me and my sibs would run and play the day away with our cousins who were equally sugar-fed. Christmas was utopia, with presents coming from everyone and the huge tree in my aunt's livingroom and relatives coming from all around the country and crowding her house. That ugly green carpet...the big piano...the mini bar I wasn't allowed to play near...it's all very vivid in my memory. My aunt died, ironically, when I took leave from my childhoold at age 13. With her also died that big holiday tradition, and things in my family haven't been the same since. In fact I think a big part of my family's spirit has been missing ever since Aunt Jean died. 
Now that I'm older, there's no t as much hide and go seek or presents as there used to be. But they're still a time to be with my family, eat good food and be reminded that life can be pretty awesome afterall. Those are things we take for granted...family and good food...yet they're integral parts of anyone's life, no matter who you are or where you come from. It's hard sometimes...with my parents divorced and my mom having moved so often and my siblings off and doing their own things now. I realize now how much I took those childhood times for granted. I would love to have them back...even the akward moments when estranged relatives come up and hug you and claim that they used to change your pampers when you were a little baby. Everyone could use that much gaeity. At least once a year.
I remember reading this short story in high school called "A Rose For Emily." Emily is a woman who's spent her whole life in a small town, living in the same house. The book said of old people that "the past is not a diminishing road but, instead, a huge meadow which no winter ever quite touches, divided from them now by the narrow bottle-neck the most recent decade of years." To Emily, there was never any separation between the past and present. There was no narrow bottleneck...it was as if she was always living in the past as if it were the present. I'm not that old, but I was suddenly reminded of that analogy because I am that way in many ways. My memories of Christmas, my faith in God, my taste in music, my attitude toward sex....all of them have changed a lot in the past five years. And yet it seems I haven't accepted the changes. All I've been doing is asking "What the hell happened??" I was telling my therapist that I no longer had my faith in God, and she made a point that I was older now, so maybe my faith needed to grow along with me. My faith I had when I was a teenager was sufficient for that time in my life, but now things are different. I know that's the situation with a lot of people. The more complicated and difficult life gets, the more you have a need for answers...at least that's how it is with me. I don't know about God..but I do know that I have to stop living in the past and acknowledge that adult Tiffany is here to stay. Not only that, but she's still evolving. Auntie Jeanie is gone but that doesn't mean that the holidays still can't be a happy time for me. It's just that my twenties are proving to me more difficult than I thought they'd be (though I really didn't know what I was expecting). I wish I just had some indication that I'm at least close to headed in the right direction.
Okay, so the main reason I'm writing this entry (before I got sidetracked by Emily): I decided to leave Emmanuel. I've been going back and forth about this nearly the whole time we've been married. It's been very tiring. Thinking "We can make it work" one month and then spending the next couple months convinced that I was wrong. I've rehashed the reasons for leaving time and time again...I won't go over them again here. But I will say that my reasons for staying aren't very solid at all. Oh well...we gave it our best shot. But at this point I just want to move on. It will be better in the long run. I'm moving at the end of the month...I'm relieved in a way. Sad at the same time though.
I guess that's it for now...still have some cooking to do for dinner tomorrow at my brother's place. Peace out.